Women have a shared physiological experience, and it isn’t what you think it is. (SPOILER: it’s menopause, not motherhood.)
While we share a lot of sociological experiences – friendship, love, hardship, a fight for self-determination and autonomy – many assume our biological experiences are at least similar. They’re not, really; so many factors make us biologically unique, differentiated by genetics, ethnic heritage, upbringing, even lifestyle. Not all women will experience fertility and pregnancy. Not all will share the experience of labor and delivery. Yet, regardless of that, we will all experience the end of fertility, the cessation of our sex hormones.
We will all undergo the menopause transition. Yet it is so rarely discussed, especially among younger women. There is no training, no seminar, no “What to Expect When Your Ovaries Quit” books. Definitely not a health class or school assembly to teach us about our changing bodies.
My paternal grandmother, after birthing six children, entered menopause at the ripe old age of 36. That family lore was all the preparation I had, so naturally I began watching for hot flashes and missed periods in my mid-thirties. When they didn’t show up, and the random night sweats didn’t stick around, I quit paying attention around 40.
Had I known then what I know now, I would have taken a lot of things more seriously, and I would have made lifestyle adjustments to ease my ovaries into their expected retirement. In that spirit, I am writing a letter to my younger self, letting her know exactly what I know now. Granted, I can’t change the outcomes for myself now. However, I’m hoping that another thirty-something will read this and benefit from my experience, in the hopes that when (not if) she reaches perimenopause, her transition will be smoother.
Dear 30-something Corey,
I know you think you’ve gotten this health and fitness thing figured out. After all, you’ve successfully won your battle of the bulge, and have maintained substantial weight loss for almost a decade. You’ve beaten the odds, regardless of what it takes to keep it off. Mazel tov.
As your future self, I have the benefit of the rearview mirror when all you can see is the step you’re taking now. I find myself watching you with a mix of pride, awe, and sadness. I see you fighting your body daily, weekly, monthly. Annually. I see you struggling through a mounting list of responsibilities while pushing through regular intense workouts – sometimes twice daily. I see you take on two science degrees while raising two boys, trudging 12,000+ harried steps through that hilly campus, and still dragging yourself to the gym.
I hear your thoughts berating you for not being able to stay bikini lean year long, through sleepless nights that stretch into stressful seasons. I hear you respond to your reflection in the mirror, “Well, it’s not great, but it’s not terrible.” I feel your thoughts turn to fixing your diet/exercise/body like an obsession, a means of controlling anxiety and frustration with other areas of your life.
I’m writing to warn you that most of the things you’re doing in the name of health and fitness are leading to an unhealthy transition to menopause. I know that perimenopause isn’t on your radar right now. True sustained fitness has been replaced by the urgency of your current physique goals and beauty standards. I am now working today to correct the problems that we caused by our shortsightedness.
Self-Love motivates me to point out the things that you are doing that I have learned aren’t good for us.
You don’t always have to strive to be skinny. Strong is better.
Don’t stay on a diet. Don’t diet cycle. You and too many GenX women embodied the lie of “thinner is better,” when we were still girls, and have taken decades to break free. Some of us still haven’t. We are still struggling.
That continuous caloric deficit leads to metabolic downregulation, nutrient deficiencies, and hormonal imbalances. Learn how to eat at maintenance. Learn what your true size is at maintenance and embrace it. Let your body settle into a healthy rhythm, your healthy size and leanness, instead of constantly striving to be small.
Do eat ample protein, carbs, fats, and (yes) salt. Interpret your body’s signals and cravings instead of denying them in some warped pursuit of “character” and “discipline.” Supplement well, giving yourself the vitamins and minerals you need. Take everything you will learn in your education and your coaching career and apply it to yourself. You are your most important, most valuable client.
Stay consistent in the gym, for the muscle not the leanness. Muscle is your protection against the ravages of age and disease. Learn to feed your gains. Learn to work out with lower reps and heavier weight. Get more excited about strength gains than weight loss. Pay attention to proper form first, then to intensity. Work on your mobility as much as you work on your deadlift.
Your workouts aren’t penance or punishment. Let them build you up and eat enough to let them work.
Stay consistent with recovery, too. It is not healthy to be all on all the time. Learn to balance intensity with rest and restoration. Including 6+ workouts every week, with at least three HIIT sessions is wreaking havoc on your endocrine system. The fatigue you keep trying to solve so you can return to your grueling workout regimen is a sign of adrenal stress that has caught up with me now. The body you thought you were building has been broken, and I am tasked now with patiently and compassionately rebuilding it so we can finish this race successfully.
Strongly reconsider repeat bodybuilding competitions. Don’t buy the lie of amateur bodybuilding being a good fit for any fitness enthusiast, the perfect next step in every fitness journey. It is a sport, and to reach elite status in any sport requires a good genetic fit and pushing past the boundaries of true fitness into an unhealthy level of performance. It’s expensive, too. For you, the repercussions just aren’t worth it.
Learn about your hormone cycle. Honor it instead of cursing it.
Learn how to work with your body, not against it. You are a woman with a hormone cycle that lasts 28-32 days, living in a man’s world constructed around his 24-hour hormone cycle. You can optimize your life by fitting it to your hormone cycle, not his. This requires learning about your basic physiology.
Pay attention to your PMS and quit comparing it to others. PMS is a sign of hormone imbalance. Just because it doesn’t seem as bad as your girlfriend’s doesn’t mean it’s normal, regardless of what your doctor says. Learn that when doctors say “normal” they mean “common.” Get the attention and care you need.
The same with the low libido. It’s not a busy-ness problem. It is a hormonal problem.
And on that topic, prioritize your pleasure in your sex life. Regular orgasms will lead to a healthier endocrine function and a much more satisfying marriage for you and your husband. Avoiding sex, denying sex, or participating without satisfaction not only limits your intimacy, but it also keeps you stuck hormonally.
Get a baseline sex hormone panel at each phase of your cycle, so that you know what “normal” looks like for you later in life. Do the same with thyroid and adrenal hormones. Your doctor won’t understand, and insurance won’t cover it. Demand it anyway.
Don’t forget your postpartum depression, as much as you wish to. It is a breadcrumb, a signal of what could come. Keeping it in mind will help you prepare for perimenopause by recognizing your hormonal sensitivities and symptoms. Being prepared will help you adjust and manage earlier and better.
Learn how to sleep.
If you “sleep when you’re dead,” you’ll wish you were dead sooner. Not sleeping well isn’t a righteous statement of determination and drive. It is slowly eating away at your brain health.
That chronic insomnia? It is responsible for poor memory, brain fog, depression, and anxiety. It’s also a sign of hormone imbalance. PUSH the doctor to listen to you and give you the care you need.
Prioritize 7-9 hours of sleep every night. Help your children learn the skill of sleep. Help your husband correct his snoring that drives you from sleep and bed weekly. It’s not just you it hurts.
Stress management is much more important than you think. MUCH.
You think that you can manage your health and fitness by external work alone – diet and exercise. You’ve ignored the mounting evidence that mindset and stress management – the inner work – are just as important. Please don’t do that.
The unregulated cortisol response that you set off by internalizing your stress impairs your ability to produce progesterone. It also blows out your adrenal glands, which will be responsible for producing estrogen and testosterone after your ovaries quit. It also chips away at your insulin sensitivity, setting you up for belly fat accumulation and chronic inflammation.
Stress isn’t just external factors, either. Your inner mean girl is probably your biggest stressor. You can’t just ignore her. You must deal with her. Learn how to stop the thought spirals that your negative inner dialogue sends you down. Learn how to truly love and care for yourself, not just pretend so the world thinks you practice what you preach.
I’m not mad at you. The decisions we made have made me who I am. The experiences have led to greater knowledge that lets me help other women optimize their hormones and health as they enter menopause. I watch you in the rearview mirror at the same time I see younger women doing some of the same things we did. Reaching out to you is a way to reach them also.
I love you. Be well.