There’s this donut hole of invisibility.
If you are a woman aged 45-55 or so, you know!
Society would have you think, sister, that your power is based in your youth. It’s evident in overt and covert ways, in magazine pages and online. Youth is lauded as power, energy, ambition, success, beauty. Youth is virile, fertile.
On the other end of life is Age. As an unfortunate extension of our western-valued Youth standard, Age is weak, fragile, dry, withered. Past its prime, and of course, it’s prime is … Youth.
Kind of a bleak picture. Please forgive the negativity; I promise it’s temporary. It will get better in the end, so stick with me!
The Power of Youth
In our 20s and 30s we derive power from our youth. Whether we pick it up consciously or it’s foisted upon us from outside, our youth lends us an authority of sorts that we haven’t earned by experience.
But as we travel the line of our life through our 30s and into our 40s and 50s, as our bodies and faces and hair change, we can slip right through that donut hole into the chasm of invisibility. Society would of course deny pushing us into it. And if they do, I’m certain it’s not intentional or blatant. Instead, it’s the unintended consequence of a series of decisions made in a variety of areas that accidentally leads to the omission of women, and the disempowerment of midlife women. The disappearance of the perimenopausal woman, who will re-emerge after a short invisible stint as an elder-mother in her 70s.
Just a couple of short years ago, if you Googled “menopausal woman celebrity” you’d get pictures of Helen Mirren and Lady Judy Dench. Stock image searches I’ve done on “perimenopause” yields grandmothers from every culture, whose beautiful faces are deeply lined and crowned with snowy hair. Yet you and I know that perimenopause can begin in a woman’s mid-30s. I’ve never met a 30- or 40-year-old that looks like the images yielded by my searches.
Midlife has been a hole, where no woman of note appeared until she had reached the other side.
The Power of Estrogen, and the Power Void She Leaves
There’s so much work around the sex hormones and how they impact our confidence, our self-image, and our decisions. Take, for example, estrogen. Estrogen is our Power Pose hormone. She’s our inner Wonder Woman. When estrogen is in control, we are more outgoing, we take bigger risks, we’re not afraid to be seen, thanks to how she influences serotonin and dopamine.
But in perimenopause – estrogen is erratic. She’s high one minute and dipping low the next, taking our mood and our confidence along for the ride. Sometimes she exits the building altogether, leaving dry skin and anxiety to fill in for her. We’re left with this body that doesn’t look or feel like we’re used to looking or feeling. It leads to out-of-control introspection, to getting in our heads too much, to self-flagellation and self-pity and self-centeredness of the perverse kind, that keeps us isolated and ashamed of what we’re going through.
Unfortunately, when estrogen leaves us high and dry, it’s all too easy to slip into that invisible space. Sometimes we open it and willingly crawl right in. How?
Instead of seeking out women in our circles who are also going through this transition, we hide. Instead of talking about this completely normal phase of life, we withdraw. Instead of living through perimenopause in a way that can help younger women prepare, we allow ourselves to become… Invisible.
So in our newsfeeds and social media, there lies this gap where the photos of the strong, daring, vocal, beautiful women of midlife should be. Have you ever wondered why it’s common to see women in their 20s and 30s dress daringly, in fun and bold colors and cuts, and then we’re inspired by a group of women in their 70s and 80s that decide to do the same? Where are the women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s? In the donut hole.
Finding My Way out of the Donut Hole
Look, I’m speaking from experience here. I sit before you today 30# above my ideal weight – AND I’m a fitness professional. Like many others, I started gaining weight during covid lockdowns, but being the overachiever that I am, I kept going through 2022. My perimenopausal symptoms came to the forefront in 2020 and essentially ran my life for two years.
Do you know how many times I’ve questioned myself? How many times my inner bitch has questioned my ability to do my work – which is my passion – for others when I can’t seem to help myself? And if I’m being honest, I probably would not have gained as much as I did if I had refused to listen to her. Instead, I sunk into the self-imposed donut hole and let my thoughts turn to despair over my health and my body, and let it get worse. I let my symptoms take center stage and push me further down into the donut hole.
But no more. I’ve clawed my way out of that hole. I’m refusing to stay silent and invisible. Because I know we must talk to get the attention we need; we must make an appearance to be visible. We must LIVE to not be dismissed.
Granted, my Google searches are better now, revealing women like Drew Barrymore and Michelle Obama speaking up to shatter the stigma of perimenopause. But again – WHY is there a stigma?!
The Power of (the) Change
The menopause transition is not only normal and natural, it’s POWERFUL – IF we embrace the transition. IF we know how to care for our changing bodies and minds. IF we refuse to become dowagers, crones, and frumpy-grumpy-sweaty women that the world seems to expect us to become.
Our hormones are winding down during perimenopause. We cannot control our estrogen and progesterone levels. But we can control our lifestyle and our choices, which influence our hormones.
Our fitness and nutrition can be tweaked to safeguard muscle and bones and keep excess bodyfat to a minimum. Tightening up nutrition by saying no more frequently to your glass of wine, and yes to a healthy serving of cruciferous vegetables can make hot flashes much more manageable. A Certified Menopause Provider can help us dial in hormone therapy or other medical solutions to help manage symptoms if we choose. Knowledge can make the difference between an early retirement you didn’t choose and advocating for yourself and your hard-earned career by working for women’s health support in the workplace.
Every step you take away from the Donut Hole helps women coming up in younger generations to sidestep it completely. Every time you advocate for yourself, you make it easier for our daughters and granddaughters to thrive in equality, and to embrace midlife with awareness and preparedness.
Walk in Your Power – One Step at a Time
The thing is, what it takes to walk in your power at any age is a healthy dose of self-respect…
Respect yourself enough to demand equitable attention in your healthcare, knowing that once you’re heard, change will start that will impact women around the world.
Respect yourself enough to put yourself first, knowing that caring for yourself will make sure there’s enough of you to go around to care for everyone else.
Respect yourself enough to put in the work, the time, the research, to ensure that you keep glowing, growing, and going. Respect yourself enough to expect respect from everyone around you.
The world needs YOU. Powerful you. Now more than ever. Now, when you’ve lived enough to amass a wealth of wisdom and experience. Now, when you’ve grown to know and love yourself, and can help younger women do the same.
The world needs your wisdom, your love, your knowledge, your passion, your energy, your verve and spunk, your LIGHT. AND the world will try to snuff out your light, because don’t we all fear the exact thing we need?
Don’t fade into the invisibility hole. We can’t afford to lose you. Own your power. Walk in your power. And help others do the same.